Angry Birds 2: An Exercise in Patience

My first Angry Birds 2 gaming session was in the most appropriate setting for this particular series:  The Shitter. I initially went into this planning to shit all over it, but ya know what, let’s give this a fair shot. The art looks nice. The production shows improvement from past Angry Birds games that I’ve played and they seem to have stepped it up on the bells and whistles.

Angry Birds made 10.7 million dollars in 2014. The series has maintained success since the first game dropped in 2009. Many versions have come along (Rio, Star Wars, etc.), but this is the first official sequel. Merch includes snacks, toys, and even an upcoming movie (featuring a surprisingly talented cast).

This little blue bastard means business!

This little blue bastard means business!

Angry Birds is Angry Birds. It’s a time waster. It’s not deep gaming, so let’s not treat it as such. You’re not gonna get an emotional rollercoaster of a story that leave you exhausted in the end. The most you can hope for are small, fleeting highs via tumbling shanty towers through a combination of skill and luck. It’s Angry Birds. You play it while you’re poopin’ or sitting on a bus or something.

If you read online comments of this game, the main gripe you’re gonna see among players is lack of lives and how you have to pay for more. That’s how this works. This is a business. People don’t wanna use patience and just wait for more lives. You don’t have to pay a DIME. If you do, you’re just fucking yourself. You weren’t forced. Or maybe you have plenty of disposable income and you really love this game. If that’s how you wanna roll, go for it, I guess. Who am I to judge?

You don’t have to pay, you simply must have patience. When you lose all of your lives, you can just wait to get more. Just wait. If you can’t practice this little piece of self discipline, what hope is there for discipline in other areas of your life? Maybe it starts here. Practice will power when waiting for extra lives in a mobile game, next thing ya know, you’re capable of resisting chocolate covered donut bacon burgers and you drop that pesky 10 pounds. Start here. Move up.

Let me be clear: I am NOT defending pay-to-play. I think it’s just as lame as the next guy and it’s a pretty sad aspect of modern gaming. I don’t like it, but I get it. These developers are lookin’ to make cash on these games and this is an easy way to do so. I get it.

I can’t help but be taken in by the little charms of the game. The animations. The sounds. They’re kinda friggin’ delithful I’m a tad reluctant to admit.

The black wind howls...

The black wind howls…


I wore headphones for a good bit of my time with Angry Birds 2. Now, headphones with a game means you’re getting pretty serious, and I’m here clamining that this game isn’t a serious gamer’s game. If you’re not listening to anything else, why not slap on some cans? The sounds of this game are pretty on point. It’s worth a shot.

Beware the first levels. They’re easy to dominate in a way that makes you feel like your skills are exceptional. This luring into false security can bite you in the ass later when you find out your “dope skillz” ain’t so tight after all and you’re contemplating the utilization pay-to-play gateway boosts. Don’t do it, bro!

The birds have names (Red, Chuck, etc….). I don’t know how long this has been the case, but I was unaware. Guess I coulda checked the plushies at the Wal-marts. Each bird has it’s own special skill and some are effective against certain materials. I didn’t know about matching certain birds to certain materials either. I guess I’m just not a hardcore enough Angry Birder.

I only played it on my Nexus 7, so I don’t know how common this issue is, but my device got hotter than Hades after a short play session. I get nervous when my devices get hot, so I bailed when I couldn’t take the heat. Maybe that’s a good thing. Less time to be lured by pay-to-play tactics.

This game is changed my opinion as I played it. I intended to write an article about how “this is made to suck up your money, fuck these piece of shit assholes”, but maybe if you are good, you can really enjoy yourself. Everybody plays Angry Birds. Gradma plays Angry Birds. I can see in my head right now, a guy proudly saying “I don’t fuckin’ play Angry Brids.” I hope he feels good about himself. He’s also playing lamer games, I’m sure,  so he can shut up.

Stuck in line at the DMV? Angry Birds is great at passing the time. You should probably be reading a book, but maybe you don’t fuckin’ wanna. Does one have to be reading ALL THE TIME to be respected intellectually? Just let me goob out and hit some shit with birds, man.

It’s getting harder to hate as I get older. My hate got bigger for so many years, that I expected it to be exponential til the day I die. I wanna hate so bad sometimes, but I just can’t. It’s a frustrating relief. I came to this game with an icy heart, but simple “fun” chipped away until I just accepted it for what it is.

It’s not all about trying to get money out of you. A bit of skill can go a long way here. Taking the time to feel out the level. Picking the right bird. Executing your plan flawlessly. It can be quite satisfying when a plan comes together. Sometimes they really do bone you with the random layout, though. I dally around and one of those little blow-up balloon fuckers takes to the sky, I……don’t wanna throw my device, cause I love my device, but know that I am NOT PLEASED.

This game has spells. Lil falling ducks, the abilility to turn block to ice, a fun that swells the pics…they’re a nice touch. They’re part of the pay-to-play master plan ultimately, but you’ll get your chance to use them and oh what fun wilt thou have!

From time to time you can get a free bird by watching an ad. I’ll take that deal. There are plenty of other things to look at in whatever room I am occupying rather than the screen. Gimme dat bird!

So, I came in to hate. I didn’t come out loooving the game, but gripes with the whole pay-to-play stuff aside, it’s a decently fun lil romp. I didn’t obsess over it or anything. I would even tend to forget of its existence until I got bored on the shitter or something and scrolled through my apps. I’m not going to finish it. I’ve since uninstalled it, even, to make space for some music and books I wanted to download. Get it if you want. Play it if you want. Pay to play it if you want. I don’t give shit….unless I’m playing on the shitter (then I literally give shit).

Author: Tony Lambert

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