I remember catching this game on stream at work and going…”Hold up. Are they on the Event Horizon?” I had to know what that game was. A chance to explore that awesome ship? I’m always curious when I’m watching a sci-fi movie. They try not to show too much, which is good, it helps create an atmosphere, but I can’t help but think: “Man, i wanna see what’s in that room….lemme mess with some knobs and shit!” This game kinda affords that opportunity, but you also gotta clean shit up, which I guess is OK, as long as it’s not too monotonous. Let’s check it out and see….
I start out in an office. I’m hoping there’s a tutorial so I can properly learn to fake clean and do my fake boss proud! I pull up my little iPad thingy and I see you can take notes. Nice. I’ll jot down useful tips to cleaning perfection that I come up with along the way.
Now, I know a lot, if not all, of these locations are based on sci-fi movies, but I’m not gonna look ‘em up and just try to figure out what movie they represent. I’m not a sci-fi EXPERT or anything, so we’ll see how it goes.
You’re given a character name and short bio and all that, but I later find out that your identity is random. It doesn’t really mean anything. Disappointing?
First level loads. I’m in some sewers where a battle between humans and monsters took place. No idea what movie this is supposed to be, if it is one at all. The monster kinda looks like one of the Tarkatas in Mortal Kombat (You know….Baraka’s race.). They had all the fun killin’ each other and now I gotta clean the shit up. Hope there’s no wiley monsters hiding in the pipes!
I bust out my mop and get to work on some blood. It quickly gets blood all over it and loses its effectiveness. Great, now I’m just smearing it around. You can get a mop bucket in the Slosh-O-Matic to clean your mop, which keeps it good for a few goes. It’s a pretty tedious process. This is what I signed up for, though. After getting a few mop buckets, the Slosh-O-Matic decides to spit out a severed leg instead. This was pretty funny the first couple of times, not so much 100 times later.
I see some dog tags laying around. I figure the victim’s families might want these, so I stash them in a box that appears to be a box where you stash stuff that you wanna save. No idea if that’s what you’re really supposed to do.
I found a mission log for a group called the “Alienators”. Clever name, y’all. I guess they knew what they were getting into considering the name, but did they KNOW THE PRICE THEY WOULD PAY?!?! Maybe they thought there were one or two aliens and a bunch more sprang out of the existing aliens asses. I don’t know how these aliens operate. They might be ass spawn or not have asses at all! I could look closer. Maybe I will.
Clean, clean, clean…..Am I having fun? I don’t know. Do I feel a duty to complete my tasks? Yeah, what’s up with that? I have a work ethic in a game? Is that a good thing? I need to reflect on this.
I’ve started developing systems for efficiency. I decided to start picking up all the debris BEFORE I mop. I’m working smarter, not harder. I’m preparing multiple mop buckets. I’m backing out of tunnels slowly as I clean, so as to not make a mess with my footprints. I played this game while at my actual job, instead of DOING my actual job, which is pretty silly.
I kinda wanna quit playing this game, but I must keep going. I’m starting to lose that sense of accomplishment the more I play. I’m degrading into being resentful and regretful of the whole experience, which is leading to saying negative things, and that’s what I’m trying to work AGAINST here at Glitchslap. I’m tired of seeing bitchy reviewers saying as much negative shit as they can for the sake of delivering a “clever line” or whatnot. Just because they don’t get it or it’s not their kinda game, they shouldn’t ruin it for people that might love it. But….I’m not having a good time here. I’m cleaning endlessly. Keep goin’.
I can’t say much about the music in this game. It’s delivered via a boombox that you can move around. Some of the songs are OK I guess, but nothing really special. Too bad, cause I’m big on music and sound in games.
I’m tracking blood everywhere, when I swear I’m being careful not to step in any. It’s…shit like this. These little hiccups. The game is monotonous like it is, and it’s made way worse by glitches, quirks, and general interface problems. This is pretty rough for a guy like me. I’m a bit of a perfectionist. I like to complete things. I keep checklists. I make sure shit is done. I celebrate accomplishments. I play a game like this, where you have to clean up everything, and I can’t do that due to poor execution. I NEED TO FEEL COMPLETE. I just KNOW when I clock out that it’s gonna give me a shitty score and I’m gonna die inside.
Moment of truth….*swipe*……87 FUCKING PERCENT?!?!?! ARE YOU SERIOUS? I CLEANED EVERYTHING! I knew this was gonna happen and I’m angry I put all this time into this game. I check for more deetz on my performance and I don’t see any. Great. I wanna be done. I can’t do this anymore.
I check out the Event Horizon level, like I shoulda done in the first place. It’s in zero G, so I’m floating around, but the mechanics of it are lazy. You really just get to check out two hallways, rather than the whole ship, which is what I signed up for. Ugh!
I don’t wanna put anyone off of this game, but I’m done here. No more cleaning in a game for me while this room needs cleaning. I can just hear my mom now: “All he wants to do is play his video games. I can’t get him to clean his room, now he’s cleaning in a game!” You’re right mom in my head. What I’m doing is ridiculous.